Disbelief review
The very kind Andy reviewed an early novella of mine, ‘Disbelief’.
It’s in advance of him reviewing the release of After the Fairytale – which I will link when done.
Meantime, here’s his generous thoughts on ‘Disbelief‘, written when I was but 19!
2012 – 2013
This year, especially the latter half, has been kinda mental.
It started off looking pretty bad. But somewhere between a breakup, loss of a friend, other people’s soap operas, morphine withdrawal, mental illness going out of control again and my Granny not remembering who I am anymore…somehow this year was still amazing. So much love, so much fun.
At the start of this year, I was on crutches and heavy pain meds. Alright so the surgery wasn’t fun, and neither was the months of morphine withdrawal – but I’d go through that twice more, to keep the ability to walk. It’s not perfect, still some pain especially when cold, but hey – I thought I’d never walk properly again after that motorbike accident! No complaints here. I love being able to walk again, I missed that in so many ways!
I feel like I missed summer, due to the coming off morphine pain meds thing. Months of steadily increasing hell which I got through with the help of a) sheer stubbornness and b) good friends.
My first con – the London MCM Expo in October: I’d wimped out of going to these things for years, all the while wishing I was brave enough to do it and berating myself as I saw the fun everyone else had at them. Finally made myself do it – terrified and all. And it was brilliant! Can’t wait to do more 🙂
The second half of this year, though – I’m amused at how it all links together. With little else to do during withdrawal but pace up and down whatever room I happened to be in, occasionally fall asleep for half an hour on the floor (the only place I could get comfy), and generally try not to go insane, I basically attached myself to my tablet.
So I came across Comediva and their show BAMF Girls Club. Don’t remember how I found that, random browsing I think, but I caught the first episode and laughed myself silly. That’s definitely the best show I’ve seen all year.
In it, though, I recognised America Young – spent ages trying to remember why, and eventually came up with Damsels & Dragons. Some more watching and reading of things later, and both America and Comediva were firmly cemented in my mind as a) helping keep me going through the worst of the withdrawal and b) just…awesomeness.
On twitter, I saw America post something about a film and a livestream and a “Geekify” and Indiegogo and, now out of withdrawal and into the post-withdrawal fatigue, I wandered over to the links to check them out, thought the idea was ace, realised April Wade was also from Damsels & Dragons, found some more of her stuff to watch, realised she was also awesome, and wound up joining in the first ever LiveAThon for The Comcessionaires Must Die.
Now, I’ve talked about this plenty, so I won’t go into it again (especially as I’ll be talking about it plenty more next year) – but it was 3 days of ridiculous fun, where I got to know a lot of people: not just the people crowded into the room where April was being geekified, but in the chat too. Turns out some of the people I got to know in that time are now good friends. As someone who doesn’t make good friends easily (I know many people, few get close) – that’s some serious value right there!
I am looking forward to the rest of the making of the film. That they’re livestreaming everything is intriguing me, and should be interesting to say the least – but again, more on that as it happens 🙂
April has a thing called the Immerverse – and the fun I’ve had so far playing in there is huge! I could have gone into Agnes Day as myself, I could go into The Dying Game as myself – but where’s the fun in that? I’ve spent my life creating characters for stories, games, tabletop – it seemed like a natural extension. Being Stim through Agnes Day was intense and sometimes exhausting, but while I expected some entertainment, what I hadn’t expected was the sheer amount of fun it all was! The Dying Game, and Garrett who I’ve made up for it, promises to be disturbing and awesome in equal measure.
The other thing I was introduced to via America was a film called Quantum Theory, and a repertory film company called 8 Sided Films – including Tennyson Stead and Gerard Marzilli. Now, I have no clue what on earth I did, but in October Tenny asked me to join the team. Still trying to get my head around that – and learn what I need to learn, find time to do all the things I want to do. No small responsibility on my little shoulders to help these guys out – but it’s helped by the fact that everyone in the company is, actually, awesome. Worth every second I spend on it (which is most of my free time, including abandoning social life and sleep).
OK, so writing two dissertations amongst all this is proving to be something of a time-management nightmare, but some things, and some people, are just worth it.
Last mention of America – but let’s face it, she’s managed to make the second half of this year awesome almost singlehandedly – the energy of everyone I’ve met the past few months, and their drive and enthusiasm, has reminded me of my own – which had gotten buried somewhere under all sorts of other crap. I’m not just writing stories, I’m back to craving the telling of them, the 4am waking up with ideas, the dreaming about the characters. The book I’m writing right now was inspired directly by America, and while as yet I’m mostly only letting the working title – ‘Into Darkness’ – out, I will also say that if I can do this properly and not screw it up, it may well be the best thing I ever write, as well as the hardest. Re-releasing some of the older stuff is also keeping me occupied! After the Fairytale comes out digital next month 🙂
Having a good gaming group again is also great – something I’ve really missed since I moved here for Uni. Our GM is brilliant – and where everyone else just narrates their character, when it hits my turn GM and I just get up and act it out. A World of Darkness night feels incomplete without one or both of us coming close to either tears or blows, while doing this 🙂
I am going to be so sad to finish my degree. 4yrs of study, two dissertations, I’ll be officially a proper historian and philosopher, but I love being at Keele – partly for the study/tutors/classes, partly for the friends (both fellow students and staff), partly for the stuff I get to do at the Chapel – mostly drumming and the Tuesday night meditative/quiet prayers, but also like this week where I have keys because I’m the one making the 10:15 service happen while the chaplain is away (and the new chaplain, who will be working with her, hasn’t started yet).
No idea yet what I’m gonna be doing after Keele, but whenever I have to leave there, I’ll be sad – but ready to go when it’s time.
It may sound silly but I’m also looking forward to seeing the psychiatrist next month, getting a fuller assessment to back up the one I had this month, and hopefully an agreement on diagnosis, followed by treatment. Alright, so if he agrees cyclothymia, it means psychotherapy and a lifetime of mood stabilisers, it means trying to find a balance in the meds when everything is constantly shifting. But I’ve already got a lifetime of this to look forward to anyway – if meds and psychotherapy can help me not be afraid of myself, of when I’m next going to lose grip on things and go out of control, and can help me level out and be consistent – I’m in. I won’t lose who I am, get things in balance and I can actually be more the proper me than I’ve ever been for any period of time. The creativity, the energy, the love – all that will stay. The paranoia, the hypermania and depressions and self-hatred and all the rest, that won’t be magically fixed but it’ll be better, and when things start to spin out of control, there’ll already be something there to help.
Right before I graduate I’ll turn 30. I love that people are trying to tease me about getting old, and getting disappointed when I don’t care. Growing older? Sure, can’t escape that. Growing up? Not even begun to happen yet 🙂
I am so excited about continuing to be a part of 8 Sided. About Sass X Acceleration. About Quantum Theory. About all the other things. For the first time I can remember, I’m reaching the end of a year thinking “Hey, that was good. And next year is gonna be amazing!”
Till then – happy new year all!
Obligatory Agnes Day wind-down complimentfest :)
Not sure why this post got trashed when I tried to edit a typo I missed yesterday – let’s call it gremlins and start again.
So, if you missed the previous one then go first to Introducing Agnes Day for the setup, to the I Am Agnes Day blog for all the videos etc that came between and during the livestreams, and go to the Immverse Stickam playlist to catch the recorded bits of the streams.
Last time I gave a recap of the story – but as it ended this time I’m not going to do that – go watch the last one of those recorded streams if you really need to know.
This time, I want you to meet the people who were in this thing. Because they go through a lot of crap, and a lot of exhaustion, and they’re really good at doing this, so it needs to be done.
First is Lira Kellerman, who played Lisa: twitter & website.Lisa was brilliant – a constant source of sarcasm and entertainment…and sex jokes.
Especially during the last stream, I spent a lot of time with Stim (who was the person I decided to create to join in) checked out of the conversation when Lisa was around, while I giggled a lot and resisted the urge to join in.
Lisa was a fairly in-your-face character, which Lira played really well: from using the sarcasm and sex talk to cover up fear, to the off-her-face-drunkenness. Loved chatting along with her, so much fun, and a necessary anchor for the rest of them.
Next up, Mirai Booth-Ong as Susie: twitter & website.
After watching Mirai in the KillCam Live videos that are still around (some here), and then seeing her as part of the Thankathon script read for The Concessionaires Must Die, I was happy to see she was in this – I think this will be a general thing, because she’s both lovely, and good.
Susie seemed to grow, a lot, during all this, it was great to watch and be part of, because Mirai hits the right balance of personality traits and slowing opening up and finding her role in the group. When bad stuff happened, whenever Susie got sad – I got sad. When Susie was happy – so was I. Loved being able to play along with Mirai through this!
Elle Newlands played Freya: twitter.
First of all, you can’t not love the accent. Glaswegian burr – it’s great. Second of all, I could happily sit and listen to Elle sing all day.
I don’t know how much about Freya’s role as a medium Elle knew before this – but seriously impressed with all the knowledge she had about everything, enjoyed asking her questions just because I wanted to see what she knew.
As Freya – brilliant. She really did sit as a centre of calm, and when she was upset, the whole dynamic of the group got thrown. I also loved watching her build rapport – especially with Lisa – all the way through.
Tracy Clifton played Stacy: twitter & website.
Stacy was brilliant. She walked in, and almost immediately everybody got conflicted – both on the screen and in the chat. She got reactions from everyone – and when she died, there were more than a few people feeling guilty for not having been that nice to her. She might not have been there long, but she impacted everything. Was she lying, exaggerating, or simply misinterpreting? Was she just unable to allow herself to be a part of the group and felt the need to follow instead? Her death – it was the first major sign, and the first tragic event close to everyone – but what did it mean? Why did she have to die?
Tracy played it well – too easy to go overboard with a task like hers, but she didn’t. And I gotta say, after Stim spent all that time trying to help her find a place in the group: there were both tears and swearing from me when she died! 😀
Lastly we had Canyon Prince as Tyler: twitter & website.
Tyler was the guy everybody just wanted to hate. Watching Agnes go quiet, flinch, generally turn into a scared bunny rabbit every time he texted, called or turned up made sure everybody was feeling very protective of her – and the couple of times we saw Tyler onscreen, Canyon did it well. Paying up to making people hate you is fun, but it’s not easy to do it with the right balance: too little or too much and it doesn’t work the way it should. This worked – watching his anger, his refusal to try and understand, seeing him put Agnes down – and seeing her react to him by going all meek then trying to defend him to the rest of us – worked perfectly. We didn’t see him much, but the effect he had all the way through was major and important.
April Wade as Agnes – well, there aren’t many people I genuinely run out of words to adequately describe: April is one of them.
The team she has around her is essential, and they are good, and they work really well together, and without them April couldn’t do what she does. That’s why it was important to write everything I just wrote.
Towards the end of this one Agnes and Stim were actually sharing thoughts, which worked with the story, but was really weird! Honestly, the amount of time I’ve spent getting involved in the stuff April is doing is ridiculous.
But here’s the thing, the projects individually are great: I jump into them because I want to know what happens, I want to help, I want to be part of it, etc – they’re worth getting involved with. They’re fun, and the people both in the project and on the outside like me are also fantastic.
The fact that they’re April’s projects, well sure, that makes them worth the maximum amount of what little I can offer in way of support and joining in to play. Why? Because April herself is brilliant. She’s brave enough to step out and try things nobody else has ever done before – and she’s good enough to not just make them work, but make them amazing. I know that stepping into something April is creating, or is a part of, is gonna be worth it – and she delivers on that.
Trying to explain what on earth I’m up to during these things is a little trickier – I think what mostly comes across is “It’s insane, but it’s awesome”, and there’s not many people and projects I’ll speak of as highly as I do April and her stuff.
What she does is a joy to watch, actually – how she keeps on going, connects with everyone, draws them in, somehow finds ways to on-the-fly include all sorts of things from the audience into the story.
The amount of giggling I did towards the end, when Agnes pounced on something somebody in the chat said about Stim – well, that was a lot of giggling! But only after I’d stared gape-mouthed at the screen going “Wait, what just happened?”. Have assumed April did the same amount of giggling about it when offscreen – but yeah, it was good fun 🙂 Can only figure I’ve now been around enough that April knows I’ll happily play along with anything! 😀
So, Agnes Day is over. I’m gonna leave you with the final screenshot at the end – because the imagery, like everything all the way through, was brilliant. But before I do that, remember the check out April’s next projects:
The Concessionaires Must Die – as mentioned above – is a movie, about a bunch of geeks working at a traditional movie theatre which is about to get taken over by a corporation of big bad rich guys. In their eternal wisdom, and with lots of geeky references, they decide to fight back.
The whole making of this is being livestreamed – the auditions were all live (hadn’t come across April at that point, so I can’t say much about it), then came the 60hr livestreamed Geekify crowdfunder campaign, the Geekify tweetup towards the end, and then the 6hr final-stretch Thankathon – all of which were SO much fun to hang out at. This is gonna be a great film – and the livestreaming of the whole process, well it’s new, and it could fall flat on its face, but I think it’ll break new ground – which is, after all, April’s specialty. As also mentioned above, Mirai is in it, and it’s directed by America Young – somebody else I run out of ways to say enough gooD things about!!
The Dying Game is April’s next major project, starting in January. Part of her Immerverse, I can only describe it as kind of like the Night Circus meets Freaks meets Wes Craven. There’s some teasers on the Facebook page – they’ll probably give you more idea than I can.
I’ve already set up my guy for that, by the way – Garrett Post has appeared. It usually only becomes obvious when I’m telling stories, and when talking about my (lack of) mental health, but there’s a very dark side to my brain which April has tapped into with this. Garrett’s it – and he’s a real fun guy. Should be interesting!! Can’t wait for the show to begin.
That’s me done – here’s the screenshot I promised!
Introducing Agnes Day
Longer post than usual but, you know, sometimes it has to be done.
I’m in my final Uni year, choosing to write two dissertations, trying to work and write a new book whilst also doing my best to keep in touch with and hang out with friends and my tabletop gamer group – basically, there’s a lot, and it all needs to somehow work around everything else. And all of that gets thrown around everywhere by the mental health problems I’ve lost control of again (see some of the previous blogs for info on that).
Not many things can persuade me to rearrange my life completely. I’ve brought forward Uni deadlines for major knee surgery (but still done exams the week after), and I will spend hours on trains in order to see close friends. That’s about it.
I say the above in order that you understand this: when I voluntarily rearrange or temporarily abandon all of the above for something else, it’s not a small task, and not done for small things.
Introducing Agnes Day. Highly recommend going to that site, finding your way to the beginning, and watching/reading everything, because I’ll be here all day if I start trying to recap everything.
Agnes was a normal, boring person. Never did much of anything. Office job, boyfriend, no close friends. Would probably have continued on, unnoticed by most of the world, except a couple of months ago she had a car accident. She rolled that car over a bunch of times, climbed out and walked away without a scratch, but with a feeling of peace and purpose she’d never felt before.
Agnes started having visions in her dreams. Scary visions – like seeing the Sandy hurricane before it happened. And she woke from them knowing she had to try and share them – so she made videos to record them. She was told there would be 3 people, and they would find and follow her. What that meant – she had no idea.
But 3 people were having dreams about Agnes too. 3 women had also woken from dreams and recorded videos, which Agnes found when something made her go looking. Who is Agnes Day? Why am I dreaming about her? And why do I have numbers burned into my brain, which associate with her, and I can’t forget? – all 3 asked these questions.
Agnes contacted all 3 women, and they all agreed to get on planes and fly out to California to meet her. Susie, from Singapore. Freya, from Scotland. Stacy, from Chicago. And the numbers? Recognising the LA area code, Agnes put them together into a phone number, which led her to Lisa – who had founded a new PR company of her own, on the day of Agnes’ car accident.
It was Lisa that suggested the blog – www.iamagnesday.com – and the idea of using Stickam for a livestream, in order to try and talk to other people. And so it was. At the end of November, Agnes turned on her camera. At first just Agnes and Lisa, paid to be there. Then one by one the other women arrived: Susie, from Singapore; Freya, from Scotland; Stacy, from Chicago.
It should be noted at this point that Agnes’ boyfriend Tyler is not happy. He doesn’t like one bit what’s happened to Agnes since the accident, he mostly things she’s crazy, and has given in far enough to allow Agnes to use the sunroom of the house they share (Tyler’s house), but avoids the whole thing by keeping as far away as possible.During the first livestream at the end of November, we meet them all, we get very connected to them and to each other, we experience “coincidences” about numbers, dreams, pictures, etc., and we talk. We talk a lot. But there’s a problem. Something is very wrong, somebody doesn’t fit.
After over 2 days of stream, of talking, of getting to know everyone – and getting to love everyone: while we chat with everyone but Stacy, who has been experiencing a bad headache since she got off the plan and is lying down on the sofa, the printer – unplugged – spits out a page with lines of binary code. Translated the code reads “She’s the wrong one”.Amid that confusion, Stacy is found to be not breathing. Pronounced dead later of a brain aneurysm, the group fragment and disconnects for a while.But the women reconnect, Agnes calls us all back, and the second livestream begins on Dec 11th. Agnes tells everyone there will be an obstacle, and it will break her group apart again, but they will return. She also tries to tell Lisa that she is the third follower, but Lisa refuses.All 3 “followers” are very distracted. Freya, a medium, is having trouble contacting the daughter of a dying client. Susie’s parents have flipped after she told them why she was there and demand her return home. Lisa’s married boyfriend has bought her a house and she’s anticipating him leaving his wife and children for her. Agnes is distracted too, partly by the fact that she can see her relationship is going to end, but mostly because she has seen pain for the others.Again, we chat, we connect, we wait.During the night, Agnes wakes a lot, and tells a couple of the chatters more details about her visions, but asks them to keep it quiet. She also tells them that the numbers 121212121212 are there whenever she closes her eyes, and that her visions for the others have gotten much clearer. She tells them she needs to be the calm in the storm. When the day begins proper, Lisa is ecstatic about her new house and boyfriend. Freya is happy because she has been able to find her client’s daughter, and he is feeling so well that he is allowed home from hospital. Susie is happy because she’s decided to go home, to see her parents, and to work things out while connecting with everyone online. Agnes gets quieter and more unhappy, even unwell, looking as the day passes.The 3 others, they try to get her to tell them what’s wrong. All Agnes will say is that they’re going to go through something, and she’ll be there for them. As the day wears on, she starts giving them hugs for no reason. At exactly 12:12pm (on 12.12.12), three phones go off.Freya’s client has died. Lisa’s boyfriend has hung himself in his office. Susie’s parents have been shot in a break-in.The 3 women leave, in various stages of anger at Agnes.Tyler, Agnes’ boyfriend, returns, goes nuts, and cuts off the stream.It is almost impossible, without writing down an entire accounting of everything, to describe it adequately, and even then I probably couldn’t do justice.
The mind behind this is April Wade. When she first put up the blog and the videos, I didn’t event ry and work out where she was going with it, what the plans were – the only thought I had was that I was gonna be there for the first stream. My second thought was that, to join in properly, I needed to be there as anyone but myself. So, checking that was cool with April (it was), I built myself a character that had connections to Agnes’ story. I gave her dream visions, triggered by a trauma in her childhood. I gave her a lonely, unconnected life. I gave her a background close enough to mine that I’d remember it, and pulled in things from my life and various other places to make her a proper person, then left her to be fleshed out as required.
My intention with this was to drop in and out, see what was going on, join in when I could.
What actually happened was the opposite. I stayed in character for two days straight, and came out going “Wait, didn’t I mean to keep this low-key? How did I wind up being right in the middle?” And Stim (aka Stacey Mills, aka me) had become a whole person – something way more than me just pretending to be her. Yes, she still bears some resemblance to me – but only just!
At the end of the first stream, I was in tears at the death of Stacy. In character and out!
Same again at the end of the second – only this time it was tears for everyone!
I do the over-empathising writer thing, I feel for the characters I’m writing about.
Same in tabletop games, my current GM gets disappointed if she doesn’t get some sort of rise out of me – when playing in character – every session.But here, friends, is the point of everything I just wrote:
Stim has become, somehow, a wider part of the whole story. Why? Not because I made it happen: because April (as Agnes) drew her in, let her grow as a character, and found a place for her right in the middle of it. That is a) totally not what I expected, b) amazing and great fun and c) amazing again, because it bears repeating.
And this is where I confess that I struggle finding words for what I think of April.
She puts things together so tightly, plot points and overall story arc, so well-researched, she doesn’t miss anything.
She and the others stay in character for days – when exhausted, first thing after waking up, when they’re all going insane at each other – they’re constantly switched on and they remember everything.
The way she connects with the people watching is a thing I’ve seen her do now both in character and out of it – and it’s fantastic to watch, and to be a part of.
How brave she is in stepping out and doing things nobody has done before, the way she makes it work, amazes me. That she also makes it look effortless, when I know it isn’t – also pretty awesome.
Her ability to draw you in, then pummel the crap out of your emotions – half of my wants to run away screaming “No more!”, while the other half just sits there gobsmacked into silent amazement and waits for more.
In short – April astounds me, completely, and I love – in so many ways – that I get to join in.
Despite being very much a wordy person (who has an annoying habit of talking far too much), April can manage to make me completely speechless. Nobody has ever been able to do that with such regular ease.
The Agnes Day thing is gonna end soon – and this makes me sad. But there is more to come. The Immerverse is what April is calling this – live streaming interactive narrative storytelling. Though Stim will have to be put into hibernation soon, Garrett Post will be appearing shortly in order to take part in The Dying Game 🙂
Basically, I’ve moved into April’s Immverse and won’t be leaving anytime soon (fortunately she doesn’t seem to mind).
Come join me – I promise you won’t be disappointed.
A study in paranoia
I’m 29yrs old. I’ve had problems with mental illness for as long as I can remember. For the first time ever it looks like I’m not just being dismissed.
I had an assessment yesterday. That was painful stuff – raking up everything from my past; trigger, moods, the lot. Figured I’d be waiting until next week to hear back from the guy, after he’d filled stuff in and thought, etc. Turns out not so much – he called me this morning.
After our chat things now stand thus:
I have an appointment in January with the locum psychiatrist. I could wait for the non-locum one, but that’d take a few months, and he didn’t want to make me have to do that.
Current favourite for what to diagnose me with is Cyclothymia. Kinda like a chronic but milder form of bipolar – in that the moods shift from hypermanic to depression faster, without a period of being levelled out, and this also makes sense of me being able to keep certain things and certain levels of these shifts under control to a certain extent, before they slip out of my grasp – as they have done the past few months.
Being at risk of self-harm, getting something done to help me sooner rather than later is a good plan. So if this psychiatrist agrees with cyclothymia, then it’s probably gonna mean psychotherapy and mood stabilisers. I think the CPN I saw is gonna hint to my GP about them, especially as antidepressants are not the best idea with cyclothymia, but he has no authority to tell her what she should put me on or not, so we’ll see. I go back to her again on the 17th.
So that’s where we are now. In other stuff, I have a deadline which I need to meet for Uni. Cos of other stuff I need to have this thing done to hand in no later than Tuesday morning. It’s not going well so far due to distraction and being on the down side of the mood cycle.
Instead of Uni work I have staring into space, lethargy, and those kinds of things. Best of the lot is, as always, paranoia. It’s my own voice in my head – that’s fortunately not a thing I’ve ever had – that tells me that the people I care about, who sometimes I think care about me, really don’t. At best they pity me, at worst they hate me, either way they just don’t know how to tell me or to make me go away because they’re too nice and/or afraid of what I’ll do to myself or them if they tell me the truth. It also tells me that people are talking about me when I’m not there – sharing bitches and gossip and everything bad about me and laughing at how pathetic I am.
On top of the paranoia we have the self-hatred. I don’t deserve them anyway, all I ever do is hurt people I love, I’m supposed to be alone because that’s all I deserve anyway because I’m a worthless shit. That’s the sort of place the self-harm comes from – but so far I’ve at least resisted that urge. Not sure how – mostly stubbornness, I think.
Part of me is going “This is good, there may be diagnosis and treatment and that’ll help!” while another part of me is going “Yeah, but it means stigma and meds forever and all of that crap.”
Yet another part of me is going “Just fuck it all, you don’t deserve to feel better – you’re like this because it’s what you deserve.”
And a fourth part, “So what if you get helped and feel better? What then? What’s that gonna be like? At least you know where you are when you’re crazy.”
There’s a few more bits too, but those are the main ones.
Mostly today it’s the paranoia. Even when I know I’m doing it, it’s so damned persuasive. I’ve never found a way to counteract this. Possibly that’s partly because if I were to consider asking someone for help, I’d have to do it through screams of “You KNOW they’re only doing it cos they feel they have to, right? They’re gonna bitch about you behind your back – that’s what everybody’s doing already anyway, you know that right?”
It’s so bad that when somebody actually says or does something nice, my immediate reaction is suspicion.
Well, we’ll see how things go. Right now I need to hit that deadline, even if it’s not with anything very good. Unsurprisingly the paranoia and self-hatred not so helpful with this either: because I’m dumb, I’m useless, I’m gonna screw up and fail anyway. And my writing? My fiction? Oh man, don’t even go there with how awful I am at that…
Yeah. It sucks. And I get to watch myself do it and be completely helpless to exert any control. That’s the thing most important to understand here, I think: I have no control over any of what’s happening in my head. Not the moods, not the paranoia, the hatred. I have learned over years of hard work to keep my damn mouth shut sometimes and not say the first thing that comes into it. I have learned, in this way, to keep it all locked away and pummelling at the walls inside my own head, not at anybody else. I’ve done the lashing out at others thing (verbally, not actual violence – never that) and I won’t do it again.
Hopefully this time is the time when my repeated attempts to ask for help are finally listened to. So far it looks like maybe, but experience has taught me never to trust that. So we’ll see.
Pretty in Geek – review
Pretty in Geek is a webseries about a group of tabletop gamers, all female, except for the [token] male LARPer.
For starters – this show’s theme song gets so badly stuck in my head you wouldn’t believe: but that’s good, because it’s a great song by Nerds with Guitars.
So who do we have?
DM Dani. She has put blood, sweat and tears into designing a game for them to play. If only any actual gaming ever got done, she’d be pretty happy. As it is, she’s frustrated at every attempt. Waiting for her to crack and just tie them to their chairs, gag them all, and play the game for them. It’s totally gonna happen. Oh yeah, and she is very obviously into Jason.
LARPer Jason. He doesn’t just play lawful good, he does his very best to be it in real life. He’s the one that acts out everything he does with as much drama as possible, because in his head he really is the character he’s playing. He is the honour of the group. What he sees in Stacey? Nobody is really sure. Actually even he doesn’t seem so sure. Everyone else can see he’s really into Dani.
Girlfriend Stacey. Jason’s overly touchy, super pink, super girly, no idea why she’s playing or what she’s doing but likes to look t the pretty dice colours, girlfriend. Unsurprisingly the rest of the group are not so enamoured – but it is possible to insult her without her realising, so there’s at least some fun to be had. Still, she is just too sweet and too innocent to be real: and something just happened which is about to make the volcano erupt (I hope).
Super-Gamer Anna. She’s the one that takes it very seriously, thinks over everything carefully, gets annoyed when others don’t, and goes berserk when somebody messes up. She likes to play with her lighter a lot, but she does lighten up a little when drunk (before she hits the drooling in a corner stage).
Cheat Erin. The one with the best t-shirts (I want them – I want them all for myself!). Erin has somehow managed to steal all of Dani’s info on Elfheim, and uses it to navigate her way around. Until the inevitable moment when she is caught doing so (oops). She’s also the snarky one. And probably the least tightly wound of the whole group.
So there we have them. Up to episode 6 now, and the drama and the tension is rising. This is a seriously good show. The characters all bounce off each other really well – and anybody who has ever played a tabletop rpg will recognise each one of them instantly. Drawing broad caricatures is easy: drawing broad caricatures with depth and personality is not: but we have that right here. The writing is not yet solid gold, but it’s getting close – and the characters and actors make up for any lapses.
This is definitely one of the best things I’ve found this year, and I’m really excited by it because I can tell that both the show, and the people involved in it, have the ability to do awesome things. My recommendation? Jump in now, while it’s still fresh, and follow them down whatever paths they take – that’s what I’ll be doing!
Website is linked up top. Go straight to the playlist here, and follow them on twitter and facebook.
Confessions of a personality disorder
Potential trigger warnings for self-harm, depression, etc
I keep a lot to myself. I’m told I come across as open and, sometimes, painfully honest. To a point, this is true. I’ll talk about things, bad and painful things, as events that have happened. What I rarely do is go into detail, talk about how things affect me. What I also rarely do is talk about what goes on in my head most of the time.
Ever since I was a kid I’ve had what my mum used to term “black moods”. She used to tell me I was spoiled, seeking attention, and just needed to stop and cheer up, etc. It’s kind of a family trait – on both sides – to ignore, dismiss, and generally not acknowledge.
It wasn’t until about 7yrs ago, after the death of my Grandad topped off a bunch of other stuff to trigger me into the worst time of my life, that anyone paid enough attention to what I was trying to say about what happened inside my head to realise something was actually really wrong.
Unfortunately, one of the things wrong with me was self-harm, which nobody wanted to deal with, so after getting shunted between all the departments because nobody wanted to deal with me, I’m just incredibly lucky in the friends I’d found. People who barely knew me at the start, but still saw beyond what was going on, ignored my attempts to push them away, and just stayed there for me.
Alright, it’s been 5yrs since I cut – and though I’ve come incredibly close to doing that again, I haven’t. But there are more ways than one to harm yourself, and my thing has always, always been to turn everything inward on myself. So there’s always a constant low-level stream of self-beration, even on my best ever day. When I get really bad, as I have again recently, that gets very loud and very vocal.
Everything in the world that I suspect about myself, everything I fear about myself, everything that would hurt me if somebody said it to me – these are the things that run on a loop around my head 24/7 at the moment. Everything bad I’ve ever done – or think I’ve done, or may possibly have had some vague relation to me: I get all the blame, and I get it in the most vicious ways I can summon up. Ways in which I would never even dream of speaking to someone else, and would probably jump and defend even a total stranger against.
My love for the world is immense. My hatred for myself at times like this is the exact mirror-image. Everything I do comes down to those two things.
I want to bring people closer, because I love them. But because I don’t deserve them, or I’m sure I’ll hurt them, or just to punish myself for existing – I then try to push them away or hide from them. I have more control than I used to, but still my first instinct is always to retreat into my own darkness and keep everyone else out. It’s selfish, it’s indulgent, and I know it – but it’s no more a choice than breathing. I can’t help it, it’s just something my brain does.
Same with the other side. The mania, well to a point I can channel that into writing, chatting, essays, work, games, whatever. I can funnel the energy, I can hide inside characters and other worlds, anything until it eases up a little. But there’s a point beyond that, where I can’t do anything except jitter, stammer, pace up and down. I want to just go for a walk, but the thought of there being other people outside freezes me to the spot. I want to sleep, but my body and my mind won’t let me. Again: I have no control over this.
I have this picture of a letterbox – it’s like a widescreen film. Between the two halves are the extremes of my moods, up and down. Where those letterbox halves are for most people is a place I never see. Where they are when I’m under control is about a quarter of where they are when I;m not. Right now they’re so far apart I can only see one from the other when I go all the way round in a circle.
Basically the thing I need is the ability to control those halves, keep them close enough together that my ups and downs are controlled well enough to allow me to live my life.
I know that the self-hating thing I do damages me constantly. I also know how much the people I love hate it – it’s why they only ever hear the tiniest amount of what really goes on in my head, though I know most of them suspect the depths of it.
What now? Well, I’m back on meds again – as a tool to help compress that letterbox in order for whatever else is going on to be dealt with, they’re helpful when we find the right stuff. I know amazing people, who I am fighting not to retreat from – sometimes by talking at them far too much. I have understanding tutors at Uni. I have a wonderful chaplain there too. I have stories to write. I have fun things to do for people. I sometimes even have the energy and will to actually do some of them.
I also have an appointment this Thursday for an initial review. That words like “Borderline personality disorder” are once again being thrown into the mix terrifies me. The idea of putting myself out there again and risking being rejected by the people who are supposed to be helping me – terrifies me. Sitting here writing this – terrifies me.
Terror and panic are the theme of the day – but amongst other things I’m both stubborn and contrary. It’s how I keep from retreating from everyone when that’s all I want to do, it’s how I keep going, it’s why I’m being more open than I’ve ever been before and putting it out to the world. At best, there’s at least the chance that somebody else might see they’re not alone. At worst, I’m talking into empty space.
I don’t want any of this. I don’t want the depression, I don’t want the mania. I don’t want the self-hatred or the fight that lasts all day, every day.
But I have these things and more. So I’m going to talk about them. And deal with them. And keep on being stubborn. Somehow, I will get through this again – and it’ll mostly be due to amazing friends, to whom no amount of repayment will ever be enough. And, yes, I will also beat myself up about that.
I can’t help it. I can’t stop. All I can do is force myself to keep talking.
Wednesday night is mostly going to be spent doing paranoia over the appointment on Thursday. Thursday, not sure yet, depends how appointment goes. Expect a lot of up and down, some silences or random posts about everything else under the sun followed by more of this. You know, just pick and choose what you want to read – I’ll always be clear about which the mental illness posts are.
For now, I have an essay to try and finish….
For your convenience: a handy set of links to awesome things
Sometimes when taking a break from studying, I do work, or write stories, or blogs.Occasionally I do things I’ve been meaning to do for ages – which is what I did today.
I spend a lot of time on my twitter feed plugging things and people that, for one reasons or another, I support and love. I don’t think I’lle ver be able to keep the list current, but I’ve put some of the major things/places/people in one place for ease of use. Alright, basically I sat here and did it till I got worn out, and then I stopped, but it still means most of the major stuff is there.
It’s up as a permanent page now, but here’s the straight link to it too.
Alright, now go watch and pay attention to things 🙂
LGBT, the Church of England, and a very close friend
After sitting today through a sermon, by a man who says yes to female Bishops because the Church of England needs to move forwards in order to reach and help all the people, while at the same time saying no to equal rights and opportunities – both within the CofE and the wider world – to LGBT people…
Well let’s just say I let out a small growl when he started talking about how the bible shouldn’t be used to prejudice and marginalize. And that I don’t understand how he expects the church to move forwards as a whole without accepting everybody as God made them.
I was drummer in the worship band this morning, and I spent some time working out conflicts about this. In the end I realised that I was playing for Ruth, the chaplain, from a URC background (CofE chaplain post is being re-filled in January after previous one left in August), for me, for him, and for all the people of every opinion – because in this place I am one of very few LGBT folk, surrounded by a lot of differing opinions. I haven’t asked her, but I suspect if Ruth knows the opinions of the Bishop that preached this morning, that telling me she wanted me to play because I’m her best drummer was only half the truth.
Now, hey, I’m good with differing opinions. But here’s where I have a problem:
1) The opinions he has don’t make sense to me – he speaks about not marginalizing, and about moving forwards, but he continued to help marginalize and hold back.
2) As lesbian with connections to the CofE – I find that troubling in the man that is supposed to see me as beloved of God, made equally to him, and speak for my needs with as much vigour as he does for anyone elses.
Now I was good, because I refuse to let anything bad reflect back on Ruth or the chapel at Uni. He complimented my drumming, I smiled and thanked him. I sat in silence through his conversation, which I was drawn into, about the synod vote on female Bishop’s this week. In short: I kept my thoughts to myself. I’m in no position for them to make any difference, and I risked harming the reputation of others. So I stayed quiet.
But here’s what I think.
You can sit and argue scriptural interpretation…probably forever. And yes there are times when things make some sort of sense: talk to me about love, talk to me about togetherness, about acceptance, about the things that the church, in any incarnation, is supposed to be about.
But this isn’t what’s happening. As a christian lesbian, I’m not just marginalised I’m barely even recognised. Gay men are often marginalised with some force. Trannssexuals and transgender people are practically hissed at. Bisexuals hide who they are.
Alright, so I make a point, in a new church or something similar, when surrounded by those I know may not like it, to let them know my sexuality. Why? Because their reaction to it tells me if this is a place I should be or not. The person that looked me up and down, frowned deeply, and asked me if I’d read my bible closely enough? They ensured I would never set foot in that church again. The person that asked if I was “practicing”…well he got a pass because he was mostly reacting with surprise.
In every church there are people who react in all the different ways. This makes is really important for me to know how the person at the head is seeing things. If the vicar in charge is recoiling from me – it doesn’t matter how nice the other people are, I know that the pastoral care I might ask for in a vicar is not going to be available.
If it’s that important here – how much more so further up, when my voice can’t be heard, when the only person being heard is the one not speaking my thoughts but the very opposite?
I can’t get married in a church right now. I could, potentially, find a friendly vicar to offer a blessing, maybe even have a registrar perform the state rituals, but I couldn’t marry the person I loved. Despite claiming that we are all God’s children, and all love is from God and therefore holy and blessed: I couldn’t obtain their blessing for me and the person I loved. The deficiency within the church here is enormous. People’s opinions of christians are rightly negative, sometimes, and this is one of them.
People are dumbfounded by the juxtaposition I’m in: until I explain the difference in my mind between faith and religion (the latter being the rules and system that we lay down and forget that things change).
Do you know, that if I were to desire entry into the ordained of the CofE, my sexuality would have to be either ignored entirely like it wasn’t there, or I would have to promise in God’s name to be essentially asexual, whether it was natural to me or not – I would have to promise not to fall in love, not to have a relationship. For no other reason than the person I might have a relationship with would be of the same gender as me.
Tell me – please – tell me that makes sense. The CofE preaches love, tolerance, acceptance, care – and yet it discriminated even within itself against people who are nothing more or less than made and loved by God.
I have a very close friend who is in agreement with these ideas. When I was dating someone a while ago, we had probably the most major talk we’ve ever had about this issue. At one point she asked me if I’d ever considered simply ending our friendship, because of this.
She asked me that because she knows – because I’ve told her, honestly how much pain it causes me that a part of who God made me to be is abhorrent to her.
I could only answer with a nod.
It’s true, we have polar opposite ideas sometimes. Not just little things, but things like this. On the one hand I know that she, like I,only applies her own beliefs to her own life, and has never attempted to persuade me out of my own. We’ve talked, we’ve shared, but neither of us has tried that because we both believe it implies a disrespect not for the idea, but for the person that holds it.
I love and value her far too much to do that, and I know she does me.
But, again, there’s a major conflict that plays out in this. I know that, were I in a serious relationship, she would accept it as it was – she would want to meet her, she would treat her exactly as she would any other partner of a friend. I also know that she would never try to tell me that it wasn’t right, or that it wasn’t of God – even though I know that’s what she believes.
To be honest, we mostly avoid the topic. We each know where we stand and until something comes up to force it, pulling at the threads only hurts us both.
This is very different, though, to the Bishop above. She has some say in what I do with my life, because she’s earned the right for her opinion to matter over many things, but she has no voice above my own. Her views, while painful to me, do not create barriers, invite prejudice or marginalise me within my own faith.
How we deal with this issue is very much our own private thing, and I think it probably takes our two very specific personalities to do this and still be as close as we are. But speaking to marginalize me, without me having a say? This I have a problem with.
I hate to think how many people have not been reached with the love that people are capable of giving and receiving, on both sides, by a continued refusal to accept all people as equals. Because no matter what the CofE is saying – what they’re doing tells a different story. And people are being lost because of it.
Bishops are in danger of losing their automatic seats in the House of Lords over the synod vote last week, because they’re not fulfilling the needs of their communities. And when the House of Lords are the ones that are doing more for people than the Church? That’s when you KNOW you’re in serious trouble.
The love of God’s people is being stifled right now, but it’s the individuals who can bring it back to life. To spread love and smiles? That’s pretty much my life mission. I don’t always succeed, but I always try – and I’m open to anyone, everyone. I’ve learned this from a lifetime of being rejected. Not everybody needs to learn that way.
An open letter to April Wade and America Young :)
Aside from randomly saying nice things etc., sometimes stuff just needs to be put into words. So I’ve had some sleep (although, only 24hrs-ish awake is nothing compare to the 69, hah), and I’ve had some of my rocket fuel coffee, and before I start on Uni work, here goes:
Dear April & America,
You inspire me. The last few years of being at Uni, I’ve gotten almost completely caught up in writing essays and academic things and not just neglected storytelling, but often been unable to do it when I’ve tried. The love of storytelling you two have, the excitement you show, sparked something in me again. Even without the fact that both of you have given me new projects – both poles apart from each other in both the how and the content – I’m writing again because your love of what you do reminded me why I’ve loved being a storyteller since I was a kid.
The Liveathon last month introduced me, not just properly to the both of you, but to others as well, some of whom have become good friends at a speed which is very fast not just for me but for all of us! You connected us, and for that I think you have all of our thanks.
I’ve had some rough times lately. The lifelong mental health problems I’ve had under control for the past few years have returned in a big way. Those people I met in the Liveathon, and those people I met through America, were there when I was in danger and needed help. For the first time in my life I got through a night of combined major depression-mania without self-harming. Really – I have never found a way to do that before, and without those connections I am absolutely certain I would have started cutting again. Now I know that I can get through this period, not by relying on other people, not by self-harming, but by accepting the support given, and by returning it when they need it. Fighting the battles in my own head has always been a thing with me, but for the first time now, I know I’m strong enough to win them.
I am blessed and lucky to have some amazing friends, and know some wonderful people. I am both glad and proud to count the two of you amongst them. Your love, humour, joy and kindness is a beacon which reminds me, and others, that there is always light in the world, and I love you both to bits 🙂
Tha Thankathon last night was fantastic – hitting the goal, hearing the script, trying desperately not to show on cam that I was in tears for half of it – especially the last bit! I repeat what I said last night: you guys get everything you get because you earn it, you deserve it, and you’re incredible. To be a part of this is an honour, and to help you two is a joy. You have amazing things ahead of you – to help you, even just a tiny bit, on the way there is a privilege.
Thank you for the inspiration, and the kindness, and the joy of being able to join in on the fun!
End of letter. But to the people I’ve been talking about in this – and you know who you are – I love you all too 🙂
xx
Malise Angie Hulme 